Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
