Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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