Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
