i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize