I showed him my bush... on skype.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
