Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
