There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
