sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
