The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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