I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
