My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
