i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
