i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
