It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
