I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
