i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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