The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
