I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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