What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
