so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
