her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She made me pour olive oil on her.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
