tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
worst night to have a conscience
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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