So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i think i just lost a toe
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