why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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