I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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