You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
