I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
