I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
