Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
