i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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