i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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