my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
