Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
