ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
