Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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