you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize