dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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