My liver just broke up with me...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dear god my vagina.
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