I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
