yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
