I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
