I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
