Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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