hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
