this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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