idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
