"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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