I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize