Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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