I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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