I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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