Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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