I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
