Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
