The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
