I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
