How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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