I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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