Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
