there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
