My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
